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Newest full body armor . . . for the whole family


Year 2032:  and the following memo to the employees and associates of Body Armor Manufacturer! (BAM!; Squirrel View, Kentucky) was recently made available to this newspaper.

To:  All manufacturers, vendors, sales staff

From:  Fred Pflem, president/CEO, BAM!

Subject:  New product rollouts

A quick note to all of our associates at BAM! 

First, congratulations to all of you for the new sales record that you all have worked so hard to accomplish. Recent reports indicate that currently 73% of all adults in America have purchased – and according to those reports, always wear — our Fully Leaded Armor for the Body (i.e. FLAB) whenever they leave their homes to go to work, or shopping, or simply out for entertainment.

Our marketing department has done a terrific sales job in convincing the American people that wearing a FLAB vest is the first and only way to better protect them from the nearly every-other-day — or even more often, every-day — mass shootings taking place in this country. And in fact, our figures show that the FLAB has been able to reduce by at least 22% all fatalities, and reduce by 46% the seriousness of all gunshot injuries incurred.

(And please remember to use our bullet point argument [ha! — “bullet point”] that these figures can’t be much improved; no “vest” of any type can prevent all injuries or deaths when dealing with the tremendous number of higher-powered armaments that remain in the hands of this country’s many nutjobs. So if you meet with someone saying that the FLAB should be even more protective, simply respond, “Oh, well!”)

But to my bigger point.

We will soon be rolling out the newest and latest accessories for the FLAB:  the FLAB Connectors, the Leg/Feet FLAB Wraps, and the Child-Sized FLABs.

• The FLAB Connectors:  these are simply accessories for attaching, Velcro-like, one’s own pistol or larger semi-automatic handgun to the basic FLAB for faster “draw,” thus not needing separate holster attachments hanging from a belt. The Connectors enable split-second reaction time when the deranged assailant shoots first (which, our figures show, is the most common scenario), or if you need to initiate the gunfire against someone who looks like they’re about to threaten you (or is Black). Thus equipped, the FLAB wearer is now doubly protected:  reduced fatality and/or injury along with faster firing ability, either as initial protective action or reactive lethal response.

• Leg/Feet FLAB Wraps:  Today’s mass shooters, we know, are simply deranged and don’t particularly care about what part of the human body their bullets mangle and/or destroy. So, beside the basic FLAB, we now offer the “fitted” FLAB Wraps for the legs and feet to reduce injuries there. Leg/Feet FLAB Wraps are protective but also (we hope) will serve as a psychological deterrent if an enraged shooter perceives someone is fully protected and ready to return fire (or perhaps they will target those who may not be wearing a FLAB and the official accessories).

• Child-Sized FLABs:  These are simply smaller versions of the basic FLAB and Leg/Feet Wraps (sizes kinder to late teen). When children are sent to school fully FLAB-ed, it is likely to discourage the insane shooter or assume he can’t accomplish his intended level of death and/or injury. The Connectors will also be available for the FLABs for older teens who are allowed their own “open carry.”

And remember, by next year we will be rolling out the BAM! FLAB Helmets – Mandalorian-style headpieces that are able to deflect bullets without preventing line-of-sight use of your own weaponry to gun down a nutjob.

These are just some of the new products that BAM! Is offering to help protect the citizens of this country in the face of mass shootings and resultant despair and accompanying useless prayers. (And we soon will issue an expanded edition of our popular manual, “Best Shooting-Escape Methods and Routes:  Big Box Retailers, Grocery Stores, Schools, Churches, Starbucks.”)

While Congress this past month reluctantly approved a variety of bills attempting to reduce the number of mass shootings, these will have little impact given the sheer number of firearms Americans now own, an estimated 3.5 pistols/rifles per person, and continuing to increase given the sales rush whenever any new gun regulations — however inadequate, or inadequately enforced — are approved. 

Again, to address the few remaining doubters:  BAM! protective armor products are simply like the use of seat belts to help reduce car-crash deaths and/or injuries, given the vast number of overpowered vehicles rushing around at high speeds on our highways – and so often resulting in road rage shootings. 

So, as we roll out these great new product offerings, please feel proud that you are doing so much to enhance community health and safety despite the ongoing – and totally unpreventable – mass shootings.

*Note: Opinions expressed by columnists and letter writers are those of the writers and not necessarily those of the newspaper.

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