Suddenly out-of-work newscasters and other miscreants have decided to pool their talents to form a new cable news organization, the Grope Network, whose motto is “Lean Forward OR we’ll grope you—you decide!”
The network will be headed by Bill O’Reilly, who will invite guests to enter the No Grope Zone, where female interns will be awarded points for running a relay past O’Reilly’s desk, and into the office of Morning Anchor Matt Lauer. They must sidestep Lauer, tag his desk, and then sprint back through the door before he locks them inside with the button he keeps under his desk. O’Reilly will begin each broadcast will a special word of the day, such as “impropriety” “inappropriate,” “promiscuity,” or “horizontal interview;” using it in a sentence such as “Don’t demonstrate inappropriate behavior without liability insurance.” Winners get a copy of Bill’s latest book, “Killing Bill O’Reilly.”
Charlie Rose’s “Peek-a-boo Hour” will feature the host conducting supercilious and informed interviews with special guests such as Woody Allen— while in his bathrobe. In the first scheduled interview, Allen and Rose will make fun of Vice President Mike Pence.
As befits his title, Judge Roy Moore will be the final arbiter for the “Pre-teen Miss Contest,” where he will offer rides in his limousine and Reese’s Pieces to minors. In the premier episode, the Judge will interview various biblical scholars, such as Jimmy Swaggart, who will talk about “The good old days in Old Testament Times when a 100-year old patriarch could marry a 14-year old virgin,” and “Why France’s age of consent makes so much more sense.”
A new panel called “The Three” will feature Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey and the soon-to-be retired Congressman John Conyers, whose introductory program will discuss modern relationships: Do you kiss on the first date? Or wait until after you’ve met the parents? Occasional guests will include former President Bill Clinton and Senator Al Franken, who will offer advice on screening future employees without the wife finding out.
Garrison Keillor will present the weekly monologues from Lake Helping Hands, where all the men are oversexed and all the women wear running shoes.
It’s always hard to get sponsors for a new network, but executives for the Grope Network have revealed that they expect to be able to attract many of the fine sponsors who have kept Fox News alive for all these years, including the manufacturers of Viagra, Cialis, reverse mortgages and catheters.
Executive Producer Harvey Weinstein told a reporter, “While we fully expect that the women of the house will be horrified and repelled, we also expect that the male viewers will want to tune in to enjoy the frequent wardrobe malfunctions in our own version of “The View.” In their first show, they will poke fun at committed monogamous couples.
It sounds like the Grope Network is off to a running start! In fact, we have to hand it to them.