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Internet gems for the housebound


Unfortunately, being a shut-in and all, I have had little to keep me occupied. My valuable time has been spent researching nonsense items on the internet; so, hold onto your hats for my results.

I just read an article on the internet about the products that have been most requested because of the virus. The request for thermometers was not so surprising. There are a couple that are digital; one for your ear, and one for your forehead. There are also two containing mercury. The way you can tell the difference between the two mercury thermometers is that the rectal is inscribed with Times New Greek font, and the other is in Ariel font. Oh Lord, forgive me, that just slipped out.   

I decided to go to Amazon to see what was on sale. Some of the items are very interesting. There is edible glitter. I thought to myself, so what is so special about that? My kids were eating glitter from the time they were around two. I also spotted a lifelike inflatable elephant for only $159.95. Now that’s something every kid should have in their bedroom. Just underneath that choice item was a set of “Finger Covers” to be used when you eat Cheese Puffs, and you prefer not to have cheese dust on your fingers. So, what’s wrong with cheese dust?  Just lick it off. At least they are dishwasher safe.  Well, if you’re up for having something different to drink, then you have to try some unique flavored soda. The soda offerings include carbonated Buffalo wing, Corn, bacon, and Pumpkin pie soda. Why not?

Or, how about a delectable Dill Pickle Lip Balm, just for the experience. The advertisement said that the balm was ‘Dill-icious’. I know, that was kind of lame.

And then for those of us country folk who own a pet chicken, we can buy a Chicken Harness and Leash. Yeah, really. While we’re talking animals, I looked on “Taobao”, a Chinese eBay, and found a Dog Translator; but it didn’t mention if it was used to translate into the Mandarin or Cantonese dialect.

I’m afraid I couldn’t stop there. I had to go on the U.S. eBay and see what was available for a shut-in like me. I came across “A Ghost in a Jar.” The seller claimed that he “would not be held responsible” if the “black thing” escaped the jar, and that “all sales are final.” To go along with that item, I saw ‘A Haunted Rubber Duck’ that was claimed to have the power to possess children. Apparently, the guy made $107.50 for his effort.

A 10-year-old girl from England tried to sell her grandmother on eBay, describing the relative as ‘annoying’ but ‘cuddly’. I don’t know how much she was asking, because eBay took it down a couple of days later. Not to be out-done, a woman tried to sell her husband, saying that he was “Handy to have around the House” as long as he was properly motivated. Another woman sold a piece of bubble gum that Britney Spears had chewed and spat out. The winning bid was $14,000. That has got to be a record for used chewing gum. On Craigslist, another woman was trying to sell an ‘Imaginary Friend.’ I thought seriously about buying it; but my wife said she thought I already had one, since she hears me talking when no one else is around.

Did you know you can name a star after yourself? It only costs $24.90 with a money-back guarantee, for whatever that’s worth. I was wondering if I bought one, could I rent it out for a vacation getaway? OK, OK, that’s just silly.

And finally, one guy wanted to sell his one square inch of Canadian land located in the Yukon Territory. In 1955, Quaker Oats bought some land and issued a deed for one square inch of land in each box of cereal. Several years later, Canada reclaimed the land for lack of payment for the property tax.

I hope you noticed I refrained from mentioning anything about toilet paper, and isn’t that refreshing? I hope my attempt at wit made you snicker, because we all need to keep our sense of humor during this frustrating period.

Mr. Illingworth is the author of two books. One is a comical, country, family themed book. The second book is a memoir of his childhood. They are both published on Amazon.com. You can purchase the e-books or the paperbacks by typing: C F Illingworth in the Amazon search bar.

*Note: Opinions expressed by columnists and letter writers are those of the writers and not necessarily those of the newspaper.

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