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Auto Club for Obsoletes


‘Attachments’ is one of those ‘new normal’ words that has many meanings, and which also implies things, not of this world. Things that exist in two realms, one of this Earth, and the other in the Cloud.
Apparently, we all have a new attachment, a second brain in the Cloud, supposedly to help the one in our head. Which initially sounds good, my old brain can use some help.
But I am suspicious of the brain in the Cloud because it is secretive and pompous. It pretends to be a family member. It is arrogant and inflexible, constantly reminding me how friendly and intuitive it is, as long as I play by its rules.
I didn’t ask for a second brain when I got a laptop and a smartphone. I bought a machine. Little did I know I was having a new appendage sewed onto my body. Now I have this Cloud that I have to deal with that I am unfamiliar with, that I didn’t ask for, and that is unfriendly as hell.
And it is inescapable. I can’t turn it off. It knows more about me than I do…
It is omnipresent, looks over my shoulder, corrects me, and speaks in tongues. And it is casting a dark shadow over my sovereignty. Like drugs, technology has altered my reality. It feels like someone came into my house, late at night, and rearranged the furniture.
Whenever I have to think, I have to go through my brain’s memory, try to retrieve old experiences and put the data together to come up with a response. For most of my life, that process was instinctive, fast and simple. Now I have two memory banks, a whole new operating language, and a different menu, with choices put in terms that are in direct opposition to the language I have used for decades. New techno terms like ‘immersive’ or ‘pin’ or ‘sweep’ that sound ominous and threatening.
When I have to reconcile my two brains it almost always ends up in conflict, mistrust, and anxiety. I am too old for this kind of tumult in my life. I just want to go back to normal, low information, stone-age thinking.
I know this diatribe may sound silly to most people, especially those that have been exposed to the computer culture most of their lives. For them, this is all second nature, but for many of us born before television was invented, this ‘Body Snatcher’ technology is counter-intuitive, multi-level techno-creep that has left me in a continuous state of agitation.
I have taken many training classes, only to find that before I drove home, the software was obsolete. So I try to learn this stuff through osmosis, a learning system called ‘trial and error’. It usually results in a train wreck.
When I run into a roadblock on one of my many high tech systems, a system issue, or a lack of awareness that stops me from completing a task, there is no workaround, based on old technology. I cannot take a techno-detour, then get back on the information highway, and continue my journey.
Nope, I am just stuck. Tough noogies. Broke down on the road to the future.
I am one of the Obsoletes, the Lost Generation, so I usually have to beg one of my adult children to help me, and they are getting tired of my dependence. To keep them willing to take my calls, I suffer in silence or throw temper tantrums in the confines of my car or office.
Hopefully, some young techno-geek entrepreneur will invent an app, a ‘technology’ Auto Club for Obsoletes like me.

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